By Fazeeda Abdur-Rahman, Ph.D., LCSW

Insecurity is a common but not enough talked about struggle many women face. Whether it’s doubting your worth in relationships, comparing yourself to others online, or feeling unqualified at work, insecurity can show up subtly—but affect everything.

If you’re a woman silently battling self-doubt, you’re not alone. As a therapist who has worked with many women over the years, I have heard countless stories of how insecurity impacts their relationship with others- including their friendships, romantic lives, and work dynamics with coworkers and bosses; essentially how they interact with everyone in their life.

As I’ve come to recognize not only in my work professionally, but also in my own life, growing in confidence is something that is not only possible theoretically, but is attainable in real life. The key is to take one step at a time, being patient with yourself, recognizing areas of growth that you have developed in, and having faith that there is something better ahead for you.

Growing in confidence can happen twofold – growing in your belief about your abilities to improve in a particular skill or ability, and also developing your trust in a higher source- God, to bless your life and to fill in the gaps you are personally unable to fill. 

This July, let’s face insecurity with compassion, courage, and clarity. Here are 5 ways to start building your inner security and confidence:

1. Identify the Source of Your Insecurity

Insecurity rarely starts in adulthood. It often stems from childhood experiences, past trauma, societal pressures, or repeated invalidation.
Ask yourself:

• When do I feel most insecure?
• Whose voice do I hear in my head when I doubt myself?
• When did those voices begin and why?
  
  

 Developing awareness about yourself, your prior and current patterns, and why they developed can help to increase insight about yourself putting- you at a great advantage to modify patterns that you are unhappy with and instead choose patterns you desire.

Tip: Start journaling your insecure moments to identify patterns. Awareness is the first step to healing.

2. Challenge the Inner Critic with Evidence

Women often have internal critical voices that tell them untruths which create unhealthy beliefs about themselves. Whether due to receiving critical messages that came from others or through creating narratives on their own about perceived faults, the more they allow the critical voices to speak, the more they believe lies about themselves. Some common critical messages I’ve heard women share are:

• You’re not good enough
• She’s (______) than you. Fill in the blank- smarter, more attractive, more successful, more confident, etc.
• You’ll fail if you try
  
  

To develop your confidence though, instead of living by what the critical voices say, it’s important for you to be aware of them and to challenge them. Rather than assuming they are true, you can challenge critical thoughts by assessing if there is any truth to them, and if not, you can replace them with alternative, more helpful thoughts.

Try this helpful tool: Write down 3 pieces of evidence that challenge a critical thought.


For example:
Insecure Thought: “I’m not good at anything.”
To counter that thought use evidence that demonstrates the opposite: 

I helped my friend through a hard time. 

I got a promotion last year. 

I’m raising a child with love.

And down the list. You’ll find that the negative insecure thoughts don’t have a basis guided in truth and with time, their validity will lessen.

3. Stop the Comparison Spiral

Social media is a major insecurity trigger for women. What it often shows are images of the best, not the worst, and not the reality of everyday life. Seeing the best and ideal scenarios can lead you to feeling insecure about your own life, and envious of those who appear to have what you want.

For example,
You see: her beach vacation, perfect relationship, or toned body.

But the truth is: 

In real life you don’t get to see her anxiety, her bad days, or the reality behind the scenes.

While it may be part of your downtime to break out your phone and start scrolling, be mindful of how what you see impacts how you feel. Try these simple tools to reduce the comparison tendency.

Break the cycle:

• Mute or unfollow accounts that make you feel “less than.”

• Follow women who share real, empowering, unfiltered stories.

• Limit screen time and increase real-life connections (Pay attention to times of day that intensify insecure feelings also).
  
  

4. Practice Self-Compassion Like a Skill

Self-compassion is about being kind to yourself on purpose. If you are hard on yourself usually, you will need to develop a lot of compassion for yourself and the everyday struggles you face.


When you mess up or feel inadequate, try telling yourself:

• “This is hard, but I’m doing my best.” 

• “I’m still learning, and that’s okay.”

• “I deserve grace just like anyone else.”
  
  

While showing yourself compassion can help you to feel better, it isn’t just feel-good advice. Neuroscience research shows self-compassion leads to greater motivation and less anxiety. So if you want to feel better, start verbalizing that you see yourself and your efforts. Now begin.. Really see who you are, the good, the bad, but also the efforts to be better or do something different. If you haven’t begun yet, start now.

5. Reconnect with Your Strengths and Values

Insecurity can cloud your memory of who you really are. 

Despite the belief that you don’t have many abilities or strengths, odds are that isn’t true. There are likely several things that if you took time to reflect on, it would help you realize your capabilities, skills, and accomplishments, which could help to increase your confidence level. It’s important to acknowledge prior and current accomplishments as well your strengths especially during times when your confidence is low.

For example, remember past accomplishments such as completing  school, mastering a role you had at work, completing a project you started, etc. It’s also important to identify the positive qualities about yourself. For example, your patience, hard work, or empathetic nature, etc. The more things you identify about yourself you are proud of, the better you will feel about yourself as a person.


Try the following to develop your confidence:

• Write down 10 strengths or things you’re proud of.

• List your top 5 values (e.g., honesty, creativity, kindness, independence).

• Ask yourself, “Am I living in alignment with these?”
  
  

Living according to your values increases inner security and reduces the need for external approval.

Conclusion

Insecurity doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve lived through things that made you question your worth. But every day is a chance to reconnect to your inner power.

Let this summer be the time you say:
“I choose to believe in myself”.

Ready to start your confidence journey?

Download our free guide: “Deeply Rooted Confidence: How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Start Leading the Life You Desire. Then book a consultation with one of our therapists. We offer: 

• Therapy with a licensed counselor

• Coaching to build emotional resilience

• Women’s support groups for healing 

If you’re ready to step into a safe, affirming space, Vibrant Women Wellness Counseling is here to walk with you.

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